apathy

n.

lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern

I wouldn’t say I’m the most apathetic person. I’m a Cancer for starters, whatever that means, but I know I am emotional. But I also feel I ride the extremes a little too much these days, mixing into a mess of instability.

Do you know what it’s like to pour your heart into a single person? It’s an overwhelming feeling, one that starts from my chest and rises like water to release a wave of adoration and love. Of course, teenagers hate that, so it’s never received very well by the public. But I like appreciating people for it makes me feel lucky, blessed even.

Yet there’s another side, different, that drains me and turns me into a basket case of laziness and I hate it. Only mindfulness can control it, which I honestly don’t have the time or energy for so I work around it. But I’ve hit a whole new level of apathy.

It’s very easy to feel apathetic when you can’t really feel yourself. It’s almost like my brain had grown so tired it went to sleep, leaving my body to carry on business as usual. Even now as I write this, my eyes watch my fingers with a sense of detachment. There’s something very similar to a marionette as far as humans go, and I can’t help notice how controlled we all are. I think the day I wake up again is the day it will be too late.

Or worse—not worth it.

-Dez

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