One thing most people come to learning about me is that I think and analyze almost everything. That also means that I do a lot of reflecting on myself as a human person, sometimes in character and sometimes not.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown into the habit of monthly lessons. Think of it like a New Year’s Resolution, but every month and ignored within ten minutes. What I’ve found, especially within the past couple of years is that the true lessons reveal themselves with time and can’t always be done in a month. So today (although it’s night for me) I’ll tell you what I’ve learned in the past year, past month, past week, and past 24 hours.
Too much happened last year for there to be an overarching lesson. I would say for the overarching theme of second semester at the beginning of the year, I learned placidity. Sometimes extremes don’t really exist. You don’t have to have extremes for life to be interesting. You can just be okay, nothing more, nothing less, because sometimes that’s all you really need. Also Brian Beach is a very complex individual.¹
In the summer I learned how to be a friend. I learned how to enjoy someone’s company and how the best adventures can involve a whole lot of nothing. Not to mention YouTube is not something I see in my near future personally.
I also learned how easy it is to fall off the horse. Even if I feel differently, even introverts need a bit of interaction or else you can hollow away into nothing.
This past semester I learned things for sure, but I can’t remember much of it since I wasn’t there after a while. This I would learn to be is dissociation, which usually happens over trauma but this time happened over stress. So I guess I learned that not everyone can push their limits like that.²
I guess if I were to pick an overall, it would be that I can’t construct myself through other people. This one’s been a long time coming really, since I’ve done it for as long as I could remember. I’ve never really looked at myself and been like “ah yes, this is the Kirsten way.” It’s as if my personality is really just a mosaic of others, which most people tend to be. But right now, I’ve been so busy trying to change myself, that I haven’t bothered to get to know who I am in the first place. It’s a classic life trope. I’ve been going through the past two years having an off and on existential crisis, to put it nicely, and now I’ve been presented an entirely new one.
The Identity Crisis.³
I think that love would be a good theme for this month. In many aspects really. I had to really think about this one, because to be perfectly honest, I don’t remember the first couple weeks too well. I think I’ve come to a conclusion about love that makes sense to me and probably only me.
I think love is similar to pain in the sense of understanding. We all think we know what pain is. The problem with remembering pain however is that your brain can’t recreate an old pain very well. If it’s physical, you really can’t scale it, because the sense of feeling can’t be recreated unless felt again. I feel like love is the same way. In the middle of it, I can feel it deep in the crevices of my being. I know what it is, I can sense it, yet I can’t explain it. But once it’s left, or replaced with even a slightly different emotion, I no longer know. I think that’s why it’s so confusing and difficult to comprehend. Love is just like pain.
I learned that I have to let myself feel things because at some point, whether I like it or not, it will find its way out, slowly destroying me in the process.
I’ll make a list this time:
- coffee, energy pills, and B Complex should never be combined ever for any reason no matter how exhausted you are
- I thoroughly enjoy sorting through things
- I made so many doodles last year, so now I must continue
- Bringing interesting books to uncomfortable places can breed good conversation
- Foggy days are lovely
- I can be a DIY queen
- I don’t have any plans, and that will have to change quickly
I hope you enjoyed this more than a New Year’s themed post, albeit⁴ I may do it tomorrow or later.
Go and be lovely my dear.
¹Then again, most people are quite complex once you start to listen a little longer.
²This one isn’t really a lesson, since you have to actually learn from a mistake for it to be one.
³This isn’t much of a lesson either. It’s something I just realized, which tend to equal the same thing in my head
⁴Same as although. It is my new favorite word.