Grandir

I’m part of a weird generation of kids growing up. I wonder a lot if anybody my age or who was once my age felt like that ever. It’s been stranger each year to watch people I know age into who they will come to be.

For context, I’m a sophmore in high school. One thing that I come to relearn everyday that  I go in for class is how fast time passes. I don’t have much time left to really grow as a person before it’s just shaping into various versions of the same person.

Growing up, I’ve always been a careful person. I was very careful about who I allowed into my life. I was always wary of kids who liked to mess about and by the seventh grade I had dropped all of my “toxic” friends, which at that time was anyone who needed me to dumb myself down in order to connect with me. Right now I’d say I’m surrounded by people I genuinely like (I’ll never understand people who just put up with shitty people when they genuinely don’t have to).

But everything that’s happened to me so far has shaped me immensely. So now I think a lot about the person I’m growing into. You see, I’m influenced a lot by people online. Not even just YouTube or internet personalities of that sort, but also people who I’m able to keep up with because they’re active online.

Two people I’ve become fixated on (fixated since obsessive will never be the right word) are Ashley Dun and Jesse Cale. They started their own company and published they’re own books. I came to follow them both from acknowledging Josh Dun (Twenty One Pilot’s drummer) since the three’s relations are intertwined. Those two live in Ohio, which while not far from Kansas, isn’t a #1 vacation spot. But those two have managed to be the brightest aspects of myy life at the moment, slowly turning me into a brighter person.

So what am I getting at here? There’s me who’s existence is no longer just molded by my peers and family along with the culture surrounding them. This applies to everyone around my age and that baffles me.

The other day I was talking with a friend of mine and is well into college. We came to the conclusion that this generation is no longer focused on survival. We want to live and live happy. That is the idea people my age feed on. We all want to be happy, in our own various ways. But what else would you expect from a generation with the highest percentage of depression and anxiety on record?

One thing I’ve come to fear in life is falling into routine for the rest of my life. I am weak-willed in that prospect. I know how quickly that will kill me from the inside out. And I think everyone fears that. Not because it is boring but because we will have let ourselves down in some sense. If you’re truly living you’re dream, it won’t ever be routine will it?

So right now I’m growing up. Who I will become scares the crap out of me. I fear failure, not so much in the prospect of others (why would I care?), but in myself. If I disappoint myself, what will I have left? But I can’t just not grow up. That’s what saddens me the most.

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